A woke welcome to the loonyversity
By John Ellwood
July 24, 2021
The Admissions Office
President Xi Jinping University
(Formerly the Horatio Nelson University)
I AM pleased to inform you that you have been successful in your application for a place on our decolonised four-year Critical Race Theory in the Age of Patriarchy degree course, and that our offer is unconditional.
Because of the continuing precautions necessitated by Covid-19 the course will, for the first two years at least, be conducted remotely. However, at some point in the future we hope to welcome you in person to our faculty, based in the Michie Building (Unit 9) on the Ripofferton Industrial Estate located on the A627 Ring Road.
Your academic tutor will be Doctor Abaturu Buhari, who is a visiting professor from the University of The Gambia. Because of the current travel restrictions, Doctor Buhari is based at his home in Banjul.
Marjorie Ecclescake from our Department of Gender Realignment will be your personal tutor. Marjorie is contactable 24/7 for any student who has doubts about their gender.
Freshers’ Week begins on Wednesday September 22 and will last for two days. During this time you can form virtual relationships with other students as you attend our compulsory Zoom courses on White Privilege, Avoiding Loneliness and Depression, and In-Room Exercising.
Please note that during Freshers’ Week you will be required to attend a tour of the campus supervised by Covid Marshals. The tour will begin in the George Floyd Memorial Garden, where the University Chaplain, Bishop Joanna Penberthy, will lead the ‘Taking the Knee’ ceremony and give white students the opportunity to publicly testify their shame and guilt.
Double masks, gloves and visors MUST be worn during this tour.
All University buildings will unfortunately be closed until further notice, with the exception of the Josef Mengele Vaccination Centre, where you can receive your compulsory six-monthly booster.
The University encourages all students to develop their social as well as academic skills. Because of the restrictions caused by the new lockdown, our playing fields are currently closed, but members of our active Sports Union can take part in the Sky Sports Fantasy Football League, online Scrabble, FIFA-19 and Fortnite.
Students are also encouraged to spend their free time on Twitter to correct any harmful anti-vax, climate-denying or racist disinformation they may encounter, and to press for the perpetrators to be arrested or, at least, cancelled.
We look forward to receiving your payment for the annual course fee of £9,250 and £5,000 for your accommodation charges within the next ten days. If the total of £14,250 is not forthcoming, the University will not hesitate to take legal action.
You will be reassured to know that many of our students have found work with the BBC and other media organisations, and our alumni are well represented in internationally known High Street catering businesses that offer cheap but nourishing food and drink.