Cheers and Jeers: Monday

by Bill in Portland Maine

Mon Oct 22, 2007 at 05:43:32 AM PDT


What Do They Have On You, Dems?

I figure it must be some sick perverted sex thing. Involving sheep or chickens. Maybe horses.

Sure, it could be some money scandal or shady land sale or quid pro quo campaign-contributions-for-favors deal. But I doubt it.

I suspect the gutless and the gullible Democrats in Congress gather at one of their apartments every night, strip down, grease up, and have orgies with hookers, barn animals, toys of every shape and size, and each other. And if they don’t keep doing what Republicans tell them to do inside Congress, their “little secret” will be leaked to the press and that’ll be that: rehab for everyone.

As you may have heard (it was on the teevee), Congress is at eleven percent approval. Eleven percent—hockey sticks. That’s less than half the approval of the worst president in U.S. history, who stands at a mind-blowing 24 percent (as bad as Nixon’s numbers got during the darkest days of Watergate). But eleven percent? That’s even worse than the last congress, in which the GOP literally banged their gavel and then called Bingo for a whopping 23 days out of the year. How hard could it be to top that??

There must be something pretty twisted going on behind closed doors, because raising their approval rating is as easy as getting off their trapezes, removing their fur-lined handcuffs and spiked collars, sending Bessie the “wonder mule” back to the stable and doing something as simple as saying the magic word: “No.”

Retroactive immunity for the telcos? “No.” War funding for anything other than the redeployment of our troops out of Iraq? “No.” Continuing to deny Habeas Corpus rights? “No.” Illegal wiretapping? “No, no, no.”

And how about doing something about all those witnesses—like Karl Rove and Harriet Miers—who gave you the middle finger by not showing up for congressional hearings?

But no. They just follow the Yellow Brick Road until they get to the GOP poppy field and pass out. Republicans must have something pretty scandalous on their “friends and colleagues across the aisle.” I figure it’s gotta be sex, because that’s the only thing politicians are capable of being embarrassed about these days (the ultra-flamboyant Larry Craig excepted). Rove must’ve dug up some really kinky dirt when he worked at the White House. I’m thinking scuba gear and branding irons.

I hate to talk this way about our leaders in Congress. But when they get so many chances for easy lay-ups on critical constitutional issues, yet never seem to get the ball in the damn hoop, all I can think is: sex sex sex sex sex.

I’d love to know what Republicans have on you, Nancy and Harry and all you button-down blue dogs. Next time I’m in D.C. I intend to interview all the livestock within a twenty mile radius. One of ’em will talk, I’m sure…if properly motivated.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville… [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

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